Boundaries

 As I've been working my own healing from the abusive relationship, I've done a lot of reading. A LOT! One concept I've come across is Boundaries. They're like a personal policy on how to handle toxic and dangerous behavior from others in our lives.

Generally, the format is:
When you do ABC, I feel unsafe (or whatever the result of their unhealthy behavior is).
So in order to re-establish my health/safety/whatnot, I will XYZ.

Examples.. both good and bad, effective and ineffective, appropriate and inappropriate. Actual boundary and manipulative demand:

1- When you choose to lie to me, I feel unsafe because I can't make quality decisions based on the faulty information you provide when you lie.

So in order to continue to make good quality decisions, I will disengage, and trust only what I can verify through other avenues.

2- When you choose to guilt-trip me, I feel threatened.

So in order to re-establish my confidence and security, I will tell you and then leave the room.

3- When you talk about me behind my back, I feel that my privacy is violated.

So in order to re-establish my security and privacy, I will demand that you not talk about me at all.

A couple things to notice about each of these Boundaries:

1- The healthy boundaries don't dictate anything to the one exhibiting the undesirable behavior (the liar or the guilt-tripper)... while the unhealthy/ineffective/inappropriate "boundary" does exactly that- demand a change in behavior.

2- The effective boundaries still leave the toxic individual free to do as they see fit. But they are made aware of the consequences of their actions.

3- Those consequences aren't about punishment. The consequences are about the recipient of the behavior re-establishing their own well-being.

As I've read about healthy Boundaries, about establishing them, wording them, finding your own deal-breakers and limits, I've found that my own Boundaries are actually pretty organic. It's just how I deal with things. Someone starts treating me with disrespect, and I naturally pull away and disengage- I just don't want to be around them anymore. When someone lies to me, I naturally don't trust them and start fact-checking everything they say. If someone doesn't respect my No, I just disappear.

The flip side is that people who are dysfunctional often don't handle others' boundaries very well at all. People who are emotionally abusive, dysfunctional, and in general emotionally unhealthy and toxic often feel that they are entitled to continue to act as they wish with complete impunity, with no consequences and no limits. When change in their environment, resulting from their own behavior, ends up making life difficult or uncomfortable for them, they get loud, angry, and things can get ugly really fast!

But again, boundaries come to the rescue. A victim of abusive or inappropriate behavior can still rely on strong boundaries to keep them relatively safe. 

1- If you get aggressive in speech or action, I already have an exit strategy, an escape plan in place to leave and stay physically safe. And I will implement that plan immediately.

2- If  you refuse to provide funds for food, shelter, basic necessities, I will reach out to resources to make sure my basic physical needs continue to be met.

In a perfect world, boundaries would rarely be needed. But we don't live in a perfect world. Some people are extra sensitive because they've been hurt. Some people develop unhealthy patterns that cause hurt to others in their lives. Those sensitivities need to be protected in order to heal. And unhealthy people need their behavior curtailed so as to cause as little harm as possible.

And that's what Boundaries do.