Motives, Excuses, and Patterns

Sometimes I ruminate on the reasons people do things.

Like why certain political figures say and do the things they say and do. Or why the crazy ex cheated on me. Or why he did me wrong (in all the other ways) like he did. Or why Second husband ordered his priorities as he did. Or why certain other family members behave the way they do (there's definitely a list!!).

But today, I want to examine a pattern I noticed recently. And really, this pattern explains a lot. It's not justification, and it doesn't make the behavior ok or acceptable. But the pattern sure explains a lot!

When the crazy ex was little, his mom and dad were married... but Dad wasn't faithful. And Ex saw that. Mom didn't really do anything about it. I don't know that Dad experienced any consequences resulting from his philandering. They eventually divorced.

Mom remarried when Ex was in his late teens/early 20s. Stepdad cheated as well. And Ex saw that. It took a while, but Ex put 2 and 2 together. Mom and Stepdad separated after just a few years. But when I left him, Mom and Stepdad were still legally married even though they'd been separated for 20-ish years. No consequences.

Ex married a few years out of high school. At one point she kicked him out of the house. He claimed that he didn't remember. I suspect that he did, but didn't want to say it out loud. She eventually took him back.

After her passing, Ex remarried. He cheated on her as well. She also took him back.

And there's the pattern. Every real-life experience he observed of cheating was a non-issue. It didn't make a difference to the cheater. They were not held accountable. They didn't lose anything because of their behavior.

But!!! I was an anomaly: I didn't tolerate the cheating. I left, I ended things, and I refused to take him back. I made the no-take-backs stick.

Given the pattern of the ENTIRETY of his life up to that point, I can see how my behavior would have been confusing from his perspective. "Everyone else tolerates cheating. What's your problem?"

It certainly doesn't make his cheating ways acceptable, or "ok" in any way. But it sure explains why he thought it was an acceptable thing to do. And it explains why he was so angry and confused by my leaving.

To be clear: I am still anti-cheating. But I can see why he didn't understand.